I wrote about resolutions last year. What I said then I maintain still: I don’t make resolutions, though I kind of do and then quickly abandon them. But this year, I’ve been contemplating a new kind of resolution: acceptance. Acceptance of me, my body, myself.

Since my early teens I’ve counted calories or carbohydrates and tracked my weight. I’ve winced at my appearance: too fat, too old, too gray, too saggy. I’ve judged myself for not being what I think I should be: in shape–whatever that means–and within a few pounds of 135–wherever that ideal weight came from, I don’t know…perhaps my grandmother, who was also 5′ 2″ and claimed to weight 135 her entire life. I don’t know the last time I weighed 135…perhaps after I had Jake when I somehow returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. After Maggie, I did not return to 135. Now I’m a 61-year old menopausal woman edging closer to my peak pregnancy weight of 165. Yesterday my scale said 160 with clothes on.

Google menopausal weight gain, and you’ll find lots of articles about the phenomenon and even more articles about how to fix it. Diet, exercise, and hormone therapy appear to be the cures. But what if I’m not a problem to be solved? What if I’m a normal woman going through typical changes associated with aging? Google aging actresses, and you’ll find images of women who have gained wait as they’ve aged. Look at photos of your mother when she was young–before she had children–and compare them to photos when she is old–after she became a grandmother. Of course she dieted and lost weight for a while, but she ultimately returned to what her body deemed a natural weight.

The anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications I take may contribute to weight gain. But I wouldn’t give them up for anything. I like being sane. I’ve accepted my need for medication, so why can’t I accept my body’s changes as I age? My goal for this year is to work on accepting my body as it is now. Obviously I don’t need to drink or eat as much as I may want: I can moderate my intake. Obviously I should move my body as much as possible even if I feel like being lazy: I can exercise regularly. That said, I don’t like struggling against my body as I have been doing. I will strive for acceptance.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity Prayer)