a little bit better every day

But still coughing occasionally. A nasty bug all around.

Life is returning to normal, whatever that means, and I’m not falling asleep in the middle of the day. So I’ve been back on top of things. Finally got to an Al-Anon meeting on Saturday. Whew. And had a nice coffee with Holly 🙂 I need to spend some time doing my homework this weekend: writing a list of people to whom I need to make amends. Whether or not I make these amends will depend on the situation and whether or not doing so would make things worse. I’ve had a lot of time (spring break) to think about my relationships with other people and what I’ve done well and not so well. I look forward to writing this list and hopefully discovering some patterns that I can slowly begin to change.

One pattern, I think, is the urge to get involved, to take on tasks, to commit to things, to volunteer for projects, etc. This has gotten me into trouble, because I usually become overwhelmed and then need to extract myself from whatever commitment I’ve gotten myself into. So today, I’ve emailed Theresa and Laura to explain that we no longer plan to be members of the UUCO. As predicted, Theresa wants to talk to me, discuss a middle road. Here is where I encounter another pattern: I make a decision, feel guilty for it, become defensive about my decision, then cling stubbornly to it. I dislike this about myself. Well let me unpack that. I dislike getting into these situations. I commit to something then I resent that something. When someone asks me to re-dedicate myself, I resist–sometimes angrily. How do I stop this behavior? I know the first step would be not getting myself into this situation in the first place (note to self: next time, don’t plunge in until you know what you’re diving into; anything worth your while can wait). But I’ve already zoomed ahead several steps, so now what? Do I have to talk to Theresa? Can’t I put this conversation on my terms and just not have it? Perhaps this has to do with my authority issues…feeling like someone is trying to tell me what to do and resisting that. I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Do I then have to explain those decisions to others? I guess sometimes I do.

About BJ

living the dream in northern Utah
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