here I am

I dreamed that I visited the vet, Sharon, about my medical condition. Although she didn’t address my concern, which I don’t remember (of course), she mentioned that I had an issue with the soft tissue beneath my chin. She proposed elective surgery to fix it. At that point, we adjourned to the hot tub, where my brothers and their family were waiting. I prepared to undress but found myself hesitant to display my overweight body in a swimsuit.

Last night before bed I marveled at the folds in my back, the pouch of my belly, and the way my midsection needs space in the bed. I’m struggling to recognize these aspects of my body as *mine* and not the excess pounds of flesh they feel like. I’m trying to love this expanded version of myself, who takes up more space, wears bigger clothes, and flops when she rolls over in bed.

I keep hoping that I can blame the SIBO and that once the antibiotic cleans me out, I’ll somehow shed all of the bloat I’ve acquired. Excess air, excess water, excess food. And the fatigue. The ever-present tiredness. I need to close my eyes.


About BJ

living the dream in northern Utah
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