home again, to rain

Just read this statement on Brooke & Peggy’s blog: “Helplessness for oneself is one thing; helplessness when you cannot aid someone else you love is in some ways even worse.” This seems to capture my recent feelings about my family. We found out Sunday that Jake has mono as well…not surprising given his symptoms last week: sore throat and frequent bouts of fatigue. He came home early on the last day of school. At the time we thought maybe he was suffering from “letdown” at the end of an era–his last day at Wasatch Elementary. So he won’t be doing football camp next week, though golf (tomorrow) and tennis (end of June) should be fine. And we have a nice trip to Portland sandwiched in between. As a mom I wish I could make it all better; however, there’s nothing to do but wait.

As a wife I wish I could make everything happy for my husband (thus I’ve landed in Al-Anon)–something I’ve struggled with since the beginning of our relationship. And as I ponder it, I realize I’ve done this with everyone with whom I’ve had a relationship, whether romantic or not. I guess it’s human nature to nurture others. But something happens to some of us (me) when the nurturing instinct becomes overly developed, over-emphasized. I’m still trying to sort this out…why did I become so obsessed with what others are doing and experiencing? I know it started *before* I had children, *before* I got married, so I can’t blame it on those events. When I started research on my dissertation I gravitated toward women writers whose topics were “others”–anthropologists in the Southwest, for instance. I’ve always been intrigued with memoirs, autobiographies, biographies, etc. Why? These texts strive to tell the truth about a person’s life. Perhaps I feel that I can access the truth about my own life through these texts or through writing about my mother’s, grandmothers’, or my life. And what do I hope to find by accessing the truth, whatever that is?

I had a lovely time in Kayenta…long hike with Henry on Saturday morning to Hell Hole. We saw no one, until the very end. Then Jake and I shopped at the outlet shops = very crowded. Later, we swam in the pool. With the red cliffs beyond, it’s like being in Torrey but having luxury accommodations! On Sunday, we celebrated S’s birthday (a day early), played on the sand dunes in Snow Canyon, swam some more, and ate out–nothing great, just Chili’s. But it was a relaxing, nourishing vacation.

About BJ

living the dream in northern Utah
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