BJ's Blog

Now I’m back at work I’m determined to carve out time to continue my blogging –> essay writing. I’ve set aside Thursday afternoons but want to begin getting some ideas on the page so I don’t fall into staring at a page during those chunks of time. I’ve had a bunch of ideas but neglected to write them down…why do I carry around all those little notebooks if I don’t use them?

I read a disturbing yet fascinating essay on Full Grown People about same-sex domestic abuse: Never Say I Didn’t Bring You Flowers. My curiosity piqued by the author’s biography, I looked for information about her and her partner online and, since they were part of a lawsuit in Canada, found some. Plus photos. This got me wondering about the author’s decision to go public with her story. After publishing the piece everyone would know exactly who she’s writing about and would know that this well-known physician in Vancouver had abused her wife. Is she afraid of repercussions? What made her decide to reveal the truth? I guess I’m not there quite yet…still responding to my fear and the fear of others by not disseminating my own writing more widely.

But it also made me wonder if I could try (again) to write something about my “two years as a lesbian.” I kind of started but stalled out. Maybe time to re-boot that.

Fear might just be the next topic. It would connect both of the above. Fear of publishing, fear of telling secrets (my own and others), fear of failure. Begin with the “650 words” blog post then flash back to 1981 and work up through 1983 then forward to 2012? Dunno. But will start there.

Helpful essay: Today, I know I am worth of respect, friendship, and love

My sabbatical winds down this weekend. Next week finds me in the office, prepping for classes and settling in to the CCEL job. I’m cherishing these last couple mornings wherein I read whatever I want–newspaper, magazine, Twitter feed, Facebook posts–and write a bit before the kids get up. An incredibly restorative and productive time. My take:

• 2 essays accepted for publication in Role Reboot (“Addicted”) and Palaver (“Divorce Education”)
• 2 essays submitted (“Fanning the Flame” and “Unraveling: Six Months”)
• 1 article submitted (“Knitting into the 21st Century”)
• 2 short pieces sent to Al-Anon
• 1 presentation proposal accepted (PCA/ACA in New Orleans)
• 1 paper proposal accepted (MJSCL article with Leah)

At home, I had the upstairs bathrooms re-done and am on the verge of maxing out my HELOC. Ah well, it’s worth it.

I think I’ll miss the time with Jen the most. We’d text each other the night before meeting, “Grounds at 9:30?” “Yes!” Our last meet there coincided with the Ogden High choral group’s caroling through downtown. They threw in weird Chanukah song. It was not the most productive of days. At Ville Bella, we’d watch “The Price is Right” or play Trivia Crack between working on whatever writing project we had going on.

And just as I write this, she asks if we can squeeze in one more…Tuesday morning at Grounds 🙂

I’m working and re-working what I thought was the “Colleague” essay, which lately became “Colleagues.” But it’s not right. The essay begins with a colleague who harangues me and ends with me working the 12-steps on another colleague. In between is my life: changing my name, walking my dogs, feelings of agitation, pondering my former minister’s departure. Basically the essay tracks my decision to quit my position as assistant chair. “Learning to Quit”? Hm. Maybe I’ll try that one on. Or perhaps just “Quitting”?

My sabbatical is winding down. How did that happen? Seems like just yesterday I was trying to find the focus for sitting, reading, writing, submitting. Somehow I did it. I give Jen Mitchell lots of credit. She got me out of the house and into various coffee shops and libraries that have Wifi and let us park our butts and computers for several hours at a time. Jen’s kept me on track 🙂

And earlier this week I got an acceptance from Palaver Journal. Two months to the day. I have one more essay to finish then I’ll have 5 out there. Not bad for a semester. Here’s the list:

• “Divorce Education” – rejected by 4; accepted by one
• “Addicted” – rejected by 1; waiting on 9 others
• “Fanning the Flame” – rejected by 2; waiting on 6
• “Why Al-Anon?” – waiting on 2 Al-Anon Family Groups publications
• “Colleague” – will submit by mid December

I also submitted a scholarly article, “Knitting into 21st Century America” to the Journal of Popular Culture.

My blog has languished but I hope to re-boot it over the holidays.

Nine weeks into the semester and onto my third essay. The first two, “Divorce Education” and “Addicted,” are off to various publication outlets. The third, “Fanning the Flame,” I’m re-working–with Liisa’s help–to under 5000 words and into a tighter, less technical piece. I’ll begin tackling the revisions Monday. Then there will be seven weeks left until my self-imposed deadline of mid-December. I have three more essays I want to get drafted and sent off:

• Making Space: The Southwest, Women’s Autobiography, and Topographies
• Colleague
• My Two Years as a Lesbian

Then I’ll throw everything I have together–including the rather outdated “Knitting into 21st Century America: Spiritual Connections”–into a collection called Unraveling.

I think I need to ease up, let myself enjoy the time I’ve been given rather than beating myself up about everything I’m not accomplishing.

Sabbatical or a sabbatical (from Latin sabbaticus, from Greek sabbatikos, from Hebrew shabbat, i.e., Sabbath, literally a “ceasing”) is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. The concept of sabbatical has a source in shmita, described several places in the Bible (Leviticus 25, for example, where there is a commandment to desist from working the fields in the seventh year). In the strict sense, therefore, a sabbatical lasts a year.

Whatever the result, the point is to rest and to take a break from work. So why not shake up my routine? Let myself change my schedule, go with a different flow. Then, as Catherine says, tell a good story about the experience. Because really, how important is it?

As the frenzy of back-to-school shopping subsides and the kids settle into their school days, I find myself pacing about the house, pawing at the carpet, circling, circling, circling as I search for just the right spot to settle. Meanwhile, my colleagues post gleeful publication announcements on Facebook, even as they prepare to teach full class loads this fall. Me? I linger over the thin pages of the Standard Examiner and dawdle on my walk with the dogs. Yesterday, I set some goals: finish the divorce education essay by the end of the month. Then delve into the history of my great aunt’s murder–this project will involve lots of reading and research. After that, I’ll return to my other topics: polygamy & suffrage (maybe) and…what were the others? So here’s the problem. These topics are not gripping me as I thought they might. Who cares about divorce education? And what do I really have to say about it? I need to make myself finish something then send it off to multiple places. But publication seems like such a futile and frustrating endeavor. I’d rather write for myself, though that feels self-indulgent and not conducive to future sabbaticals. Debra encouraged me to focus on small projects. I do like that idea. Around the house, with my writing, small projects, baby steps. Just keep going.

Continuing work on my divorce education essay, I happened upon this article A more educated wife: Not a recipe for divorce. In fact, “Such couples married since the 1990s have had no higher divorce rates than other couples.” Hm.

I met with Debra after breakfast this morning and discussed my writing , the blocks I’ve been experiencing, ways to move forward, the status of memoir, publishing outlets, other writers, etc. She rocks. After her feedback and the workshop yesterday, I’m totally re-energized to write a few of these essays:

1. parallels between voluntary divorce (today) and involuntary dissolution of plural marriages (~1898)
2. the required divorce education class in Utah
3. collegiality, colleague, departmental relationships
4. losing a child: two kids killed in car accident

Basically, Debra gave me permission to shift from “memoir” to the personal essay, which makes me ecstatic. For so long I’ve been thinking that I must write a memoir…why? The essay may just be my natural form.