BJ's Blog

Slow day yesterday…had a hike with the dogs, stopped by the office–though I was derailed by class prep for fall and a stack of books I ordered about Margaret Fuller–and whittled away the day with various household chores (poop patrol in the back yard, soup-making, etc.). Though I did have a nice visit with Shaunna, during which I discovered one of my better traits (I guess): tenacity. People often ask how I got through a PhD and I usually say “persistence,” plain and simple. Just sticking with something, jumping through the next hoop. Then one day you wake up and you’re done. And then it’s on to the next project. I live for these ongoing projects, whether they be research/writing, knitting, teaching a new class, yoga, or occasionally a home improvement project–though this last kind of project is my least favorite, every once in a while I like re-painting a room, for instance. Something I read or heard recently concerned this very topic…wish I could remember who said it and in what context, but the gist was that certain personality types thrive on the idea of projects and for them the planning of the project (buying the yarn, needles, and other essential gear) is the thrill. Actually *doing* the project is another story. Often I’ll begin a project, that is plan it all out, then never do it–so many unfinished sweater vests in my closet–but sometimes I actually finish one, if it’s compelling enough. So wouldn’t it be nice if I could know whether or not a project will be compelling enough before I start it? Or maybe it’s the amount of energy I put into the planning…maybe that influences the likelihood of my completing it. I do know that I need a certain amount of outside support: a committee of people encouraging me toward finishing my dissertation, a bookgroup enticing me to read that novel, a class full of students looking to me for inspiration, and so on. Guess I should join a knitting group so I’ll finish those unfinished sweaters!

I finished my book on Friday and feel released to do other things now. Funny how that happens–you get so gripped by a book that you can’t do anything else but read the darn thing. But it was a good one, I highly recommend it (The Shadow of the Wind). The weekend flew by…Saturday: cleaning rodents, walking dogs, doing laundry, driving to SLC for dinner with Dave & Vanene and a play (Charm) at SLAC. An amazing play! I’ve requested a bunch of books by/about Margaret Fuller from the library. Then on Sunday: pancake breakfast, service, RE, Social Justice in Action committee meeting at UUCO. Came home and collapsed = very tired, kind of nauseous. Some low-level bug. Better today, but I still feel kind of weak. It was supposed to be sunny yet the clouds remain. I plan to start Jeannette Wallis’ The Glass Castle today. This afternoon I’ll pull out the letters and begin something 😉

I’m just going to do it, snow or no. Bubba’s at the groomer so Henry and I will go. For some reason I feel very tired today. Too many late nights reading?

I want to hike, sit on the back porch with a book, and generally enjoy the sunshine. But no. I had to get out my gloves for a walk with the dogs yesterday and wished I’d had a wool hat on. Ah well. Good weather for reading, writing, and cleaning. Jake’s viola teacher comes today, so now I have a deadline for cleaning the house. Next week will be May, so I’ll need to get this project going. Lots of distractions though. I’ve agreed to serve as a trustee for the UUCO. Yay!

After lots of wind yesterday, and I mean lots–Mt. Ogden recorded wind gusts of 95 mph–we have snow flurries this morning. Good day to hunker down and read, write, clean the house. No work on my research project, but I am reading and writing this blog. And watching the occasional movie. We’ve stockpiled a bunch of stuff on our Netflix instant queue: “Philadelphia” (when we need a good cry), “The Big Lebowski” (when the kids aren’t around), “Man on a Wire” (which we watched yesterday–very interesting documentary about the Frenchman who walked between the World Trade Center towers in 1974), “Harold & Maude,” “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” “Fletch.” Anyway, lots of fun stuff to watch on rainy days. Meanwhile, I have lunch with a couple of folks from UUCO who want to talk to me about “leadership opportunities,” meaning they want me to run for the Board, I think. Hm. Tonight, I’m chairing the Al-Anon meeting…lots to think about, talk about after seeing the Lois Wilson movie, “When Love is Not Enough” on Sunday night. I need to work on my 4th step: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory.” A daunting prospect, something that’s been hanging me up since I began actually working on it over a year ago. But now I have a sponsor and a reason to finish it. And Friday I’m doing a home visit for UFBH. Some folks in Clinton want to adopt a basset.

Well I moved the box of letters (from mom to Grandma G) to my office. At least they’re out of the closet and ready for me to work on them 🙂 And I worked on an application to the Utah Humanities Council: I’m applying to be a discussion/bookgroup leader this summer. I’ll lead 4 discussions in the “For Love of Adventure” series. Once UHC gets the link up, I’ll post it. Also took the dogs for a hike up Taylor Canyon. On the way down, Bubba decided to follow a woman and her dogs…suffice to say, he vanished and I searched the pond area in vain until I found a man who said he’d seen a basset with a woman who said she’d wait at the top of 27th. When I arrived, she had Bubba in her car, ready to drive him home. The little beast. Other accomplishments yesterday: got well into The Shadow of the Wind (my bookgroup book = good stuff); got Bubba licensed with Ogden City (ha!); got released by my elbow doc (he told me to take it easy, not use my elbow as a limb of direct impact = no handstands in yoga and be careful walking the dogs–he saw me wrestling them through Mt. Ogden park the other day); got some books at Wise Bird (Maggie picked up “Into Thin Air”–she really enjoyed the movie version). Today, I’ll journey to my office and start work on the letters. Some of the books I want to read this summer: May Sarton’s “Journal of a Solitude,” Jeannette Walls’ “The Glass Castle” & “Half-Broke Horses,” Anne Lamott’s “Imperfect Birds,” Mary Karr’s “Lit” & “The Liars’ Club,” and a couple of other books I’ve got on autobiography/memoir.

Re-reading the blog from my sabbatical I realize how much has changed since then. I stopped writing in December, while visiting the baby boys in Portland. Now they’re toddlers. And I was readying to move into Elizabeth Hall–what a beautiful building! I love my office and arrange to have lots of time there. With a spectacular view of the mountains, I sit in my rocking chair sipping tea, reading a book. My little haven. Also, I spent a year and a half coordinating the FYE program. I had no significant time off last summer, so I didn’t write, didn’t think much beyond day to day. But after a year, I concluded that the job wasn’t for me = too frustrating, too little room for movement/change. It was an interesting experience; however, I’m incredibly relieved to be done and move on to other opportunities. I applied for a grant to attend a writer’s workshop in Taos this summer. When I didn’t get it, I was disappointed but realized that I could do the writing on my own. Duh. Why do I think I need some kind of grant, conference, publication deadline in order to do something? Why not motivate myself? The ultimate question I guess. Self-motivation is hard. It’s so easy to just give up when there is no outside motivating force.

I have 8 weeks to do some writing then I start teaching a 7-week class on American Lit–something I haven’t taught since 1997. So my goal is to log some stuff here. I plan to write a bit every morning after reading my mom’s letters, my grandma’s correspondence, memoirs, and/or stuff about memoirs. Hopefully, I’ll get something together that I can continue to work on this fall and take to a biographical writing class in spring. We’ll see.

I’m hanging out with Katy and Shelley, Mom, and the new babies (Finn & Eli). Living in the baby time zone = no sense of time, except as it relates to feeding babies, burping, changing diapers, etc. It’s blissful to do this for a while. They’re growing fast: 2 weeks old tomorrow. Meanwhile, my sabbatical time is winding down. When I return, I have FYE responsibilities and moving in the new EH office. Then there’s Xmas! Oh, I’ve found Facebook and have reconnected with all kinds of old high school friends. Very cool.

The time is flying by and there’s so much to do. I’ve been packing up my office for the move to Elizabeth Hall–a beautiful new building that we (English, Communication, Foreign Language, and TBE) get to inhabit as of January 09. A good time to purge the files of old stuff: notes from all of my graduate classes, handouts for old comp classes, student papers, etc. So I’ve been doing that rather than finalizing my file for promotion. Maybe I’ll get to that tomorrow? Otherwise I’ve been waiting on Katy’s impending birth–maybe next week?–and worrying about Brooke. I should know that I can’t control any of these things…months of al-anon have taught me this much. Still, I cannot help but wonder how these people I care about are doing. Is that a bad thing? Is there room for this kind of fretting and worrying in my “recovery”? Some habits are hard to break. No matter how busy I get, there’s always room for someone else’s tragedy or drama. Often, living their lives seems more compelling than mine. Is this escapism? Or is this genuine concern for others? I like to think that on my good days, it’s the latter. On my bad days, I know I’m avoiding something. At the moment I have plenty to avoid: packing, going up for promotion, finishing various home repair projects, writing for my sabbatical–oh that!!! Holy crap. That’s at the bottom of my list. What will I do?