BJ's Blog

When I woke up yesterday, the first thing I thought was “I’m going to be 49 this year.” Wow. Though I’m not as bummed at the prospect as I thought I’d be. Maybe I’m starting to feel as if I’ve earned these years, the upcoming 5-0 milestone, the wrinkles on my face, the gray in my hair, the sciatica in my butt 😉

I had a great first day of the new year…I went to a meeting with Holly S, where I discovered something interesting about myself–always do at these al-anon meetings–saw “Tangled” with Maggie and the Leake family, then chatted with Holly L about the UUCO. I’ve decided to resign from the board in May, at which time I’ll drop my membership. It’s been an interesting experience; I’ve met some amazing people, made some good friends; however, I’ve discovered that the organized religion stuff is really not for me. I’ll try to write more about this later. For now, I’m glad I’ve come to a decision and feel incredibly relieved.

After lots of rain leading up to Christmas and continuing after the holiday, at last we have a serious snow storm. It started as rain/sleet but turned to snow mid afternoon while Maggie and I were checking on the Steeles’ cat down the street. The weather makes me glad. I was really bummed leading up to Christmas, in spite of trying to pretend I lived in San Francisco (as Yae suggested) or even Portland. Then I caught a cold, which hung on for over a week. Now, I’m better. I went skiing with Jake yesterday, and we had a blast. Today, we’re just hanging–staying warm and cozy while it blusters and blizzards outside. We decided against traveling south for the weekend; instead, we’re having a nice stay-cation 🙂 We’re watching movies, playing poker (one of Jake’s Christmas presents) and Nintendo DSi (Maggie’s gift), and eating all of the leftover Christmas goodies. Tomorrow we’ll dismantle everything and start moving into the new year.

First off, I need to let my mom and mother-in-law know that I’m fine. They worry about me when I post gloomy things on my blog. But writing about stuff helps me sort out that stuff, put it into perspective, process it, and ultimately get rid of it. Sometimes, I even get some helpful feedback from y’all out there 😉

Life seems depressing right now. I’ve been inundated with students who seem to have problems beyond the usual: one who was hospitalized then kicked out by his wife; one who has panic attacks and missed almost half of the semester (though this one is milking his excuse); one who was diagnosed with depression recently and has been sleeping 20 hours a day; another, from the summer, who tried to kill himself but has at last contacted me to take the final. I guess I’m glad for that last one.

At church, we had a rather intense board meeting the other night in which we discussed the revelation of at least 2 registered sex offenders who attend regularly. I know every congregation, community, school, organization, etc. must deal with this issue, but it’s difficult to discuss–let alone contemplate. We informed all of the teachers today and reminded everyone to have kids use the buddy system while using the bathrooms. This last point makes me especially sad. I know several kids–not necessarily mine, who routinely try to get out of going to church–who think of the church as their second home. They won’t be able to view it as “home” any more. Maybe this is for the best, but it still makes me sad.

And then there’s the air, which has kept me house-bound for the last couple of days. The dogs are going stir crazy, I’m cranky and headachy, and we’re all driving each other a bit nuts. Today a touch of sunshine appeared, and it cheered me immensely. I’ll take the dogs out anyway, but I know the air won’t be good for my already sore throat. Sigh.

Tomorrow, it’s back to work and all of the grading that awaits. And meetings, lots and lots of meetings next week. Another heavy sigh.

So where’s the joy? I’m looking high and low for it. Isn’t the holiday season all about joy and spreading that joy around? From Elf:

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

I sang at church today, though it didn’t give me much joy. Maybe the choir rehearsal of Christmas music this Thursday will help cheer me. Maybe Jake’s string project concert tomorrow night will do it. Or maybe commencement will fill me with joy. Something needs to do the trick…doesn’t it?

and no writing. So many days off, and yet I feel like I didn’t get anything done. I guess I have a hard time just relaxing. But I am enjoying re-reading Geraldine Brooks’ March, which my Intro to Fiction students are reading as well. The protagonist, March, is a (Unitarian?) chaplain in the Civil War. He’s a pacifist, abolitionist, scholar, and vegan (before there was such a word); however, as he confronts the realities of war and the complexities of race relations, he becomes disillusioned, disheartened, and depressed. I can’t help but sympathize with him, even as I’m somewhat disgusted with his idealism. Perhaps it’s because he reminds me of me. Naive, trusting, confident that people can change for the better. In fact, I just took one of those facebook quizzes, “What Color is Your Soul?” and got the following answer:

We canceled our trip to Portland for this?! The winds began last night and persisted throughout the day, and then we waited for the big storm to arrive. At around 4 pm it started snowing, lightly, and blowing, slightly. Now, several hours later, we have about 3 inches of snow. No blizzard. My husband called it; he didn’t believe the immensity of the storm they predicted. I was bustling around, battening down the hatches (so to speak), buying groceries (along with everyone else in Ogden), and checking the weather every few minutes. At noon universities started announcing closures: the U closed at 2 pm, Weber closed at 4. Around 1 pm I received an email from the Red Cross: all disaster volunteers are on standby to assist with sheltering stranded drivers. Based on that information, I took the dogs for a quick walk before the storm hit; I showered and shopped; I picked up the kids and returned home to wait it out. Sigh. All that hype for nothing. Or maybe there’s more to come?

I’d planned to attend the Transgender Day of Remembrance service at the UUCO this evening, but the day got away from me. So we had a family dinner instead, and I lit a candle in memory of those who have died–including a young man who attended OUTreach on Wednesday evenings. He died this week. Ironically the topic for this last week’s session was suicide prevention. I’m not sure if attended that night or not.

As I sit here writing this, I look at my beautiful children, my handsome husband, and my lovable dogs, and feel like the luckiest person alive. I remember when I didn’t feel so lucky though. Those young adult years of angst, of struggling to find myself, to create something meaningful in my life. Why were those years so hard? I had lots of cool things going on: hanging with friends, attending college, playing field hockey and soccer, taking trips to Europe and destinations around the U.S., working in Bryce Canyon, camping, hiking, and moving home with parents who let me stay when I was between places. But I always felt somewhat lost. Perhaps many young adults feel this way. At the time, I thought I was the only one. Everyone else seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do. Some of my friends were married or living with their partners. Many of my high school friends moved away. I now know that Tyler left SLC so that he could be himself. Were there others who lived differently from what their family and friends expected? Unlike Tyler I didn’t need to leave in order to express myself; however, I really floundered around a long time. Then I found a partner and everything seemed to come together 🙂 I am the luckiest person alive.

In September, I attended the YWCA Leaders’ Luncheon with Mom. Jeannette Walls was the speaker. She’s the one who wrote The Glass Castle, which has been a struggle for lots of people to read because it’s so depressing, and Half Broke Horses, which I’ve yet to read. In her talk, she reiterated many topics that she covered in her first book; however, she mentioned some other things that I want to be sure I don’t forget:

• when she asked her mom about writing the book, her mom assured her that she should tell the truth about her life
• for a long time, she said that she pretended that her mom, her past didn’t exist, but it all caught up to her
• her worst demon is herself
• when she first wrote her book she hoped that one day a rich kid would read; later, she hoped that someone like her would read it and have hope
• she used to think that happiness meant feeling superior to others
• before you can forgive others, you have to forgive yourself first

In early October I jotted down some notes about my frustrations with service at church, particularly committee work:

• sense of not getting anything done
• lots of disagreements
• opportunity to listen
• practice patience
• discover way to agree, collaborate
• intersections between al-anon, teaching, church, family, marriage = need to be open-minded, think critically, listen, support

I’ve been feeling the call to write again. Although I’m too busy to write–aren’t we all?–I need to take some time every day to process some things in writing. The sporadic entries in my journal aren’t cutting it. So I’m back with a new look and hopefully some new insights.

We had an amazing trip to Torrey in August–one of our best vacations ever. Lots of good bonding time with the kids and each other. And we had some great hikes. One to Upper Calf Creek. I’ve decided that one day I want a vacation home in Boulder. Or if I can’t afford that, perhaps retire there.

Then we came back to the reality of school starting: Maggie going into 5th grade, Jake into 7th (junior high), S into his 2nd year of Nursing School, and Becky into her 11th year of teaching (and back to full-time in the English Department). My summer student has yet to take his final, though he has contacted me so I know he’s alive 🙂 I’ve had a fun Intro to Fiction class this fall and am looking forward to teaching American Lit again this spring. My community-based learning class is coming together; I’ve got several community partners interested in working with my technical writing students. Yay! But I’ll be teaching 5 days a week, so no more of my precious Thursdays at home. And I may not have many more this semester…next week is busy with meetings and appointments, then the following week is Thanksgiving. Perhaps I can retreat one more time on the 2nd?

Several things going on…monthly migraines, for which I’ve started taking daily Naproxen (hoping to stave off the next attack); some disillusionment with the UUCO (perhaps I’m just burned out on board, religious education, choir, social justice, and communications committee duties); lull in my 12-step work (though I did find a sponsor this summer)–still on that 4th step inventory; indecision about Thanksgiving (Portland? Kayenta? Torrey? Draper?).

As for the first thing (migraines), I’m a bit freaked out, because last month I had 2 and both occurred on the 4th day of my menstrual cycle. They were bad enough to lay me low. So I saw my internist last week. He suggested several preventatives: Naproxen, Magnesium (already taking it), Frova (have samples, but it’s really spendy to take preventatively especially if my cycle isn’t predictable), hormones (neither of us like that idea), and if none of these work…neurologist. Sigh. I knew there’d be no miracle cure. Less stress would probably help. October was a particularly crazy month with something every weekend: AA/Al-Anon Fall Fellowship, Mountain Desert District conference, Fall Break in Snow Canyon with the entire Gesteland clan–everyone but S :(– and Halloween, which in Utah means we celebrated on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Anyway, I’m optimistic that the Naproxen will help and that November will be good to my head.

As for the 2nd thing (UUCO), I’m feeling a bit dissatisfied with the spirituality of my church. I do enjoy singing with the choir, listening to the sermons, teaching the kids, and chatting with some of the folks who attend (especially Holly L). But the board responsibilities leave me empty. And the committee work feels less than fulfilling. Am I just burnt out? I hope so, but I have this sense that I’m discovering something I didn’t expect to find. Okay, this may sound weird to those who’ve known me for a while…I don’t understand why left-wingers need to be so extreme, why some UUs need to act so righteously, why we imagine that we can control things we can’t? I’ve had this growing awareness that UUs embody the qualities of many Al-Anon members: controlling, co-dependent, obsessed with other people’s business, hyper-critical of everyone else (not ourselves), intolerant of failure, resentful, continually disappointed, prone to feelings of guilt, and so on. That said, I’m not sure I can handle being around all of these people all of the time. Or am I meant to learn something from people who are like me–or at least like the old me? Do I have a choice about the religion I choose to become involved in? Did I come to UU as a default? Maybe I’m meant to be Buddhist instead? I’ll have to interrogate this one for a while.

Okay, on to the 3rd thing (4th step), this dovetails nicely with my work on the UU stuff. Just the other day, my sponsor reminded me that I can’t just jump ahead to making amends when I haven’t finished my moral inventory. Always looking for shortcuts, that’s me. Time to dig in and get back to that Blueprint for Progress. I believe I’m on “Guilt” 😉

Last, the 4th thing (Thanksgiving), doesn’t bother me as much as it could. A couple of years ago I’d need to know exactly what was happening and when. I may just wait and see what the weather does. How’s that for taking things one day at a time? Yes!

I gave my students their final today…rather sad. Not because it was the last day of class and the end of the semester. Sad because one of my students wasn’t there–no, it’s not that everyone always attends and on this day one of them didn’t show–he’s one of the few students who come every day, no matter what. And he’s one of the few who has something to say every day. According to his father, who sent me an email around midnight, my student was in the hospital. The father explained that his son suffers from “suicidal behavior issues.” I take this to mean that last night my student tried to kill himself. Fortunately he didn’t succeed and he’ll be in the hospital for a few days. His absence was profound. I missed him immensely. All day I kept thinking of the father, who in the middle of the night made the effort to find my email address and write me a terse message about his suicidal son. How does a parent do that? And not just do it once but with each attempt, write a message or make a phone call. Over and over again. How could you go on mustering the energy for that?

This comes on the heels of a rough night: Jake was up at 2 a.m. with bad dreams. Based on his comments the previous evening, I believe he was anxious about schizophrenia and thoughts of developing a similar mental illness. We’d watched A Beautiful Mind and, as he said afterward, movies like that make him worry about his own mental health. Me too. Movies like that make me realize how close we all are to some sort of breakdown. And the headaches I’ve had the past week only contribute to the sense that my brain is incredibly fragile. Jake contemplates schizophrenia; I contemplate brain tumors. But hearing about my student today brushed my fear aside. I’m home, with my family, contemplating a stack of finals, thinking about making waffles for dinner, watching PBS Kids, typing my carefully crafted thoughts onto this page, and looking forward to a walk with the dogs after my board meeting tonight. God I’m lucky!

How did it happen? How did this month, this summer go by so fast? I could focus on all the unfinished projects, unfulfilled projects, unmet goals, and so on; however, I’m trying to think about all of the things I *have* done. Looking back through my blog, I realize that when summer semester began, I was hiking in the snow. And the kids had mono. Still, I’ve gotten in some fun: mother’s day ski trip to Snowbird, trip to Kayenta, a trip to Portland, a trip to Great Basin, and then next week a trip to Torrey. And I’ve had a great yoga class this summer. Oh and I taught a class 😉

After Torrey, I have a retreat to Alta, a UUCO board retreat, two more book discussions for UHC (Carolyn Heilbrun’s The Last Gift of Time: Life Beyond Sixty and Lillian Schlissel’s Women’s Diaries of the Westward Journey), and then I have 4 classes to prep: 2 of which are online and thus more work up front. On the bright side, I don’t have to teach a night class at Davis, so I only have to be on campus MWF mornings. This fall I’ll be a member of the SafeZone advisory board and a community-based learning faculty fellow. What else? I have the Al-Anon Fall Fellowship the first weekend of October, the Mountain Desert District Conference the second weekend, and a family trip to Snow Canyon the third weekend. I have season tickets to the Symphony in Ogden (4 concerts) and we’re getting tickets to volleyball, basketball, football, and performing arts at WSU. Good stuff to look forward to!