BJ's Blog

It’s been 5 weeks since my 5th step, so it’s time to be working on the next step, though I’m not sure how I become “ready to have God remove all my defects of character.” Sounds a lot like step 2, where we “came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” For me, step 2 was a time when I gave up completely, when I had no more will, when I surrendered utterly to whatever would come. I was not afraid, though I was resigned and relieved. This is similar to the feeling I had after doing my 5th step–not so much resigned as relieved that someone besides me now knows all of my weaknesses and even shares some of my character defects 🙂 I feel much more uplifted now (with the 6th) than I did before (with the 2nd). Yay!

And then there’s the 7th step: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.” This step seems aligned with step 3, in which we “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” For me, I made the decision about a month after step 2. Again, it wasn’t a pleasant experience; however, I’m hoping the 7th will be better than the 3rd.

In the mean time, I’ll start working on that amends list (step 8).

Ella Knight died this week. She was my friend Tiffany’s step-mom, a member of my SLC bookgroup, and a wonderful woman. Another young one taken from us.

But still coughing occasionally. A nasty bug all around.

Life is returning to normal, whatever that means, and I’m not falling asleep in the middle of the day. So I’ve been back on top of things. Finally got to an Al-Anon meeting on Saturday. Whew. And had a nice coffee with Holly 🙂 I need to spend some time doing my homework this weekend: writing a list of people to whom I need to make amends. Whether or not I make these amends will depend on the situation and whether or not doing so would make things worse. I’ve had a lot of time (spring break) to think about my relationships with other people and what I’ve done well and not so well. I look forward to writing this list and hopefully discovering some patterns that I can slowly begin to change.

One pattern, I think, is the urge to get involved, to take on tasks, to commit to things, to volunteer for projects, etc. This has gotten me into trouble, because I usually become overwhelmed and then need to extract myself from whatever commitment I’ve gotten myself into. So today, I’ve emailed Theresa and Laura to explain that we no longer plan to be members of the UUCO. As predicted, Theresa wants to talk to me, discuss a middle road. Here is where I encounter another pattern: I make a decision, feel guilty for it, become defensive about my decision, then cling stubbornly to it. I dislike this about myself. Well let me unpack that. I dislike getting into these situations. I commit to something then I resent that something. When someone asks me to re-dedicate myself, I resist–sometimes angrily. How do I stop this behavior? I know the first step would be not getting myself into this situation in the first place (note to self: next time, don’t plunge in until you know what you’re diving into; anything worth your while can wait). But I’ve already zoomed ahead several steps, so now what? Do I have to talk to Theresa? Can’t I put this conversation on my terms and just not have it? Perhaps this has to do with my authority issues…feeling like someone is trying to tell me what to do and resisting that. I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Do I then have to explain those decisions to others? I guess sometimes I do.

While in Portland I contracted whatever bug Katy and Finn had. It’s a nasty one. I’m on day 12 and still coughing. And because of the medication I’ve been taking (Clarithromycin), I have a yucky taste in my mouth all the time and now I have stomach pain. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure the antibiotic is helping. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting pneumonia again. God forbid! Anyway, it’s been a long haul. I’m dying to get back to normal, back to yoga, back to walking the dogs on a regular basis, back to sleeping without cough syrup.

Meanwhile, I haven’t done much work on my steps after completing the 5th step. My sponsor gave me a grid to fill out, which lists all of the people I have harmed and to whom I need to make amends. I guess I’ll start that sometime soon. And I haven’t been to a meeting in ages. I’m hoping to get to one Wednesday night or at least Saturday morning.

I’m here in Portland with my sister, sister-in-law, nephews, and parents. Dad and I drove up on Saturday. It’s rainy. Duh. It’s the Northwest, it’s supposed to be rainy. But I mean *really* rainy. On Sunday, it rained so hard that I thought I was by the ocean, listening to waves washing up on the shore. Yesterday, we had a break and I took the dogs out for a walk in the nice big park nearby. The ground was still muddy and the air cool when the clouds hid the sun, but we had fun. Today, it’s *really* rainy again. A good day for shopping; Mom, Dad, and I went downtown and shopped at Powells, Sur La Table, and Anthropologie. Too bad we didn’t skip that last stop…we wouldn’t have gotten a parking ticket. Kinda steep: $34 for an extra 10 minutes. Jeez. Also, a good day for reading and writing.

I caught up on Brooke & Peggy’s blog and got to thinking about my recent experiences in “coming home.” That is, coming home to my various families: husband and kids; my parents; my sister & her family. These are the people I associate with “home,” the people I’m closest to, the people I’ve lived with the most. Each one has its lonely aspects, as Brooke/Peggy so eloquently put it. Here, in Portland, I feel a special closeness to my sister and sister-in-law and the boys. Still, I can feel lonely when I realize how different their lives are from mine. Also, with my parents, I re-discover how different our priorities are. The hard part is acknowledging the differences, accepting them, then moving along with each other. When I’ve struggled with these differences, I’ve gotten frustrated and angry. I guess I want everyone to be the same, to have the same priorities. How silly. Why should my parents have the same concerns as me? Why should my sister? Would it really make me feel better if everyone had the same concerns, priorities, problems, issues, situation as me? I don’t think so. Next time I find myself frustrated or angry with someone I love who does things differently than me–isn’t that *all* the time Becky?!–I need to remember this little moment of insight. Everyone comes at life from different directions. We may enter the roundabout together, we may pass each other at the intersection, we may wait behind the other at the four-way stop; however, we all go our separate ways eventually. That may sound lonely, but I don’t think it has to feel lonely.

I’ve had a great dose of spiritual improvement this week: two hours of yoga on Tuesday, one hour of which included a class discussion on the 8 limbs or yamas of yoga; and four hours of al-anon recovery work today, one hour of which was a meeting and two hours of which was my 5th step work with my sponsor. Good stuff. I feel nourished and re-charged. Prepared for lots of grading and editing the program review self-study 😉

I should feel sadder than I do. There seems to be something in the atmosphere this week, making people gloomy. I remember past Februaries when I felt much the same way: despondent, doomed, depressed, destined to live in a cold and cloudy world forever. Of course Randy died, and we’ve had a lot of sadness over that. And February is when Kissin’ Granny died too. But it’s also the month my babies were born, the month of love, the shortest month of the year, a month that includes a 3-day weekend, the month my mom and my Aunt Mary were born, the month for Winter Olympics, a month when spring makes its first showing with the blackbirds in the park. So this February I feel happier than I usually do. I like to think it’s because of my recovery work–my attention to my feelings rather than everyone else’s, my focus on me rather than others, and my emphasis on today rather than tomorrow or next week. This is new for me. I like it.

So I was trying to remember how long it’s been since I had a drink…June 12th was the last time. I had some wine at an OUTreach party at Catherine & Ed’s. I remember that that was the last time because Jake & I went to Portland the next week and I decided I just didn’t want to drink any more.

I had a nice hike with Henry yesterday. We went to my parents’ house, with the kids, and I went up the back canyon a ways. Dad wasn’t up for the hike. Saw a moose up on the hillside. And remembered all of the amazing hikes and snowshoes we did up there. Before the winter’s over, I need to go up there, relive some memories. I’m trying not to be sad about my folks selling their house–I know it’s the right thing and their new place will be awesome–but I did have some pangs yesterday. So many weekend afternoons hanging out up there: hiking, hot-tubbing, snowshoeing, playing with babies. And before babies, reading, writing, hiking with Carlos, cleaning for Mom, partying with the sibs. We had some good times there.

Yesterday was a weird day. Sunday of MLK weekend. We woke up to discover that someone had rifled through the Honda (yet again). They didn’t find or take anything–at least nothing that we noticed. But they left the interior light on. Go figure. Although nothing is gone, no damage done, the experience is unsettling. What’s more unsettling is that I woke up at some point during the night and thought I heard something outside and even imagined that someone was going through the car, as it has happened at least once before. Should we report it? I know we should lock the car, but the locks are messed up and difficult to unlock, so we keep it open. The CDs are not hip enough for anyone to steal 😉 And we didn’t have any valuables in there. Still. Feeling vulnerable and slightly sad about the experience.

Then Jake and I met up with Chris and his family at SnowBasin, where it RAINED throughout the day. I don’t recall ever getting that soaked skiing, though my dad reassures me I have when we skied out east. And not only rain…on the 5th ride up the gondola, one of Jake’s skis blew out of the rack. This also has happened before–actually twice before. We had been keeping his skis inside but this trip decided they would be fine outside. Fortunately, I found the ski about halfway down the mountain, in an open area, away from people. Just think if it had hit someone! So Jake got one more run, on John Paul in the rain, before we called it a wet, soggy day. Again, no harm done except that I got a good adrenaline rush and skied faster than I have in a long time. I’m sore today.

Then after we’d returned home to our warm, dry house and were enjoying some mellow time with Chris and Kelly, brother Per called to inform us that Mom had been taken to the hospital with chest pain. She had been ill with a stomach bug, was home alone, and started experiencing severe pain. Dad was working on the basement in the new condo and had forgotten his phone. So she called Per, who advised her to call 911. Short version of the story: she’s fine and should be discharged this morning. The pain is probably due to esophageal reflux–a condition that runs in the family and has landed her in the hospital before–and will subside with time. She’s already feeling better. Still. A scare. I’m glad Per was around to help her. We need to stay close.

A day of “things that have happened before.” Very odd.

On Monday I announced my resignation from the UUCO board…I wrote my monthly report and included an explanation for my decision. Then I had a Communications Committee meeting at the church Tuesday and a board meeting Wednesday. I’d been kind of dreading talking to the board and minister and intern minister, but everyone seemed okay with it. Disappointed but okay. Apparently I’m not the first person who’s resigned before his/her term is up. In fact, I’ve served longer than a couple of recent trustees–I’ve lasted at least a year! Anyway, I’m feeling good about the decision and the choice to not continue teaching RE this semester. What to do about choir now?

Not as much done today as I’d hoped: a migraine interrupted my plans. Sigh. Guess I’ll tackle the house cleaning and reading tomorrow. I have to read “Song of Myself” and just couldn’t face it today. Also couldn’t face cleaning up the dog poop in the backyard, vacuuming, or cleaning bathrooms. I did grade a bunch of position papers for my American Lit class, while watching TV with Jake. This will be a recuperate day, a recover from the first week of school day, a retreat from the inversion day.