BJ's Blog

In the house that is. Cleaned Maggie’s room–and that’s something! Amassed a great pile of stuff to donate to the MS Society tomorrow morning. And we cleared out the assorted shoes, boots, sandals, and crocs that inhabited the old bathroom by the kitchen. My goal is to get the wallpaper stripped and the room painted *before* I start teaching this summer. Then all we need to do is replace the old toilet. Can it be done?

Yesterday slipped by me, though I did get some academic work done: gathering articles and books for the masters students, printing more journal articles to read, emailing students, etc. Oh, and I had a wonderful yoga practice–much needed, since the last one I had was over a week ago. I skipped it today because I was so absorbed in MM’s room. Also, my elbow’s been acting up. I can’t tell if it’s the yoga, the knitting, a combination of the two, or some other chore I’ve been doing. All I know is I’m bummed about it. I’d planned to try golfing with Jake this summer, but I just can’t imagine swinging a golf club. Brushing Henry even hurts. Damn.

Just read this statement on Brooke & Peggy’s blog: “Helplessness for oneself is one thing; helplessness when you cannot aid someone else you love is in some ways even worse.” This seems to capture my recent feelings about my family. We found out Sunday that Jake has mono as well…not surprising given his symptoms last week: sore throat and frequent bouts of fatigue. He came home early on the last day of school. At the time we thought maybe he was suffering from “letdown” at the end of an era–his last day at Wasatch Elementary. So he won’t be doing football camp next week, though golf (tomorrow) and tennis (end of June) should be fine. And we have a nice trip to Portland sandwiched in between. As a mom I wish I could make it all better; however, there’s nothing to do but wait.

As a wife I wish I could make everything happy for my husband (thus I’ve landed in Al-Anon)–something I’ve struggled with since the beginning of our relationship. And as I ponder it, I realize I’ve done this with everyone with whom I’ve had a relationship, whether romantic or not. I guess it’s human nature to nurture others. But something happens to some of us (me) when the nurturing instinct becomes overly developed, over-emphasized. I’m still trying to sort this out…why did I become so obsessed with what others are doing and experiencing? I know it started *before* I had children, *before* I got married, so I can’t blame it on those events. When I started research on my dissertation I gravitated toward women writers whose topics were “others”–anthropologists in the Southwest, for instance. I’ve always been intrigued with memoirs, autobiographies, biographies, etc. Why? These texts strive to tell the truth about a person’s life. Perhaps I feel that I can access the truth about my own life through these texts or through writing about my mother’s, grandmothers’, or my life. And what do I hope to find by accessing the truth, whatever that is?

I had a lovely time in Kayenta…long hike with Henry on Saturday morning to Hell Hole. We saw no one, until the very end. Then Jake and I shopped at the outlet shops = very crowded. Later, we swam in the pool. With the red cliffs beyond, it’s like being in Torrey but having luxury accommodations! On Sunday, we celebrated S’s birthday (a day early), played on the sand dunes in Snow Canyon, swam some more, and ate out–nothing great, just Chili’s. But it was a relaxing, nourishing vacation.

and I just don’t feel motivated to do much: no writing, no reading, no yoga. I’m trying to rally to take the dogs out. Kids’ last day of school and lots of “awarding” activities…maybe that’s worn me out some. I did clean the hamster cage 🙂

Last two days of school and the Jake energy is crazy. He’s all sorts of hyped up. We ordered him a Nixon Watch – the Time Teller P in black/orange for his 6th grade graduation. Apparently these watches are all the rage–who knew?–and the color he wants is out of stock. Tomorrow will be the awards ceremony and then Jake’s done with Wasatch Elementary. Hard to believe my baby boy is moving on to junior high!

We had a gorgeous day yesterday…today cloudy and windy. Ah well, soon it will be hot and I’ll want to hunker down and read, right? I did get my syllabus and list of readings done for my American Lit class. Now all I have to do is read everything (!) and develop reading response topics. The first couple of weeks in June will fly by and I better keep plugging away at this stuff. I can’t imagine how I thought I’d be able to get all of this research and writing done. Guess I need a deadline or someone keeping me on track. Self-motivation is soooooooo hard.

Maggie got bored yesterday morning and went to school at 11. I then applied myself to reading the last of the tech comm articles I needed to catch up on–yes! Then, between rain/sleet/snow storms, I hiked along the shoreline trail with the dogs. It was beautiful. We encountered no one until the very end of our hike, but I saw lots of western tanagers and even a lazuli bunting. The kids were full of energy after school…the last week buzz. It’s good to see Maggie with some liveliness again. I’ve missed that laugh, that mischievous gleam in her eye. Now everyone’s off to school and I’m enjoying a few moments of alone time. Downloading some music from “Slumdog Millionaire”–what a great movie! We watched almost all of the movie last Wednesday, but when we got to the last 20 minutes the disc gave out = scratched. So after returning the disc to Netflix and getting a new one, we finally caught the last bit of the movie yesterday, after Maggie went to school. Coincidentally, at yoga last Thursday, Kathi played some music from the film. I knew I had to find some of the tunes: “Ringa, Ringa,” and “Jai Ho,” of course.

Today, I’ve got yoga and some office time, when/where I hope to get my syllabus finished.

This weather should be good for getting lots of reading and writing done…so what do I do? Watch movies. Movies and more movies. But last night I started reading Sherlock Holmes. And this week I’ll begin reading a book for the library discussion group. Perhaps I can finish up those articles I’ve been toting around for a month. Then tomorrow finish up my syllabus. It’s hard to leave Maggie at home while I go to my office. Though she had a good day on Saturday, she’s home again today. Maybe she’ll be able to go to school tomorrow and I can venture in to work. Meanwhile, I’ll drink tea, listen to podcasts, and fiddle around on the computer.

Although I didn’t start until mid-afternoon, I did get some substantial work done on my American Lit class: figured out the readings, schedule, and assignments. Now I just need to type it all up and create discussion topics. I should be able to get most of this done next week, then I can enjoy a relaxing weekend in Kayenta over Memorial Day 🙂

And I stopped by the Student Success Center today…4 weeks later. It was good to see everyone; however, I’m glad to be “free” this summer. I like being able to hang out with Maggie and watch the “Bourne” movies. I like being able to read all kinds of books, just because I want to. I like being able to knit and watch “Inspector Morse.” I like being able to leave work behind for a few weeks this summer.

I can’t believe it’s been 4 weeks today that I finished at FYE. And I’m trying not to beat up on myself for not getting more done. I need to focus on my accomplishments: lots of reading, blogging, movies, yoga, Red Cross work; some skiing, hiking, swimming, thinking about this memoir project, prepping of 4120 for fall, kitchen grout cleaning, weeding, cleaning. Okay, just to get it out my system, here’s what I *haven’t* done: prepped my 4530/5530 syllabus, written anything about my mom’s or grandma’s stuff, cleaned out the back bathroom, sorted clothes/shoes, organized the spare room, cleaned kids’ rooms, fixed leaky faucets. Now I feel better. And I guess the list of “haven’t dones” is long, but it could be longer! Also, my accomplishments are meaningful, longer-lasting than some of the chore-like things I want to do. They’ll get done–or they won’t–and life will go on just fine. What is it they say about cleaning? I’d rather die knowing I lived well than with a clean house. Something like that.

So we’re re-arranging our minds to the thought that Maggie has mono: no TaeKwonDo for a while, no soccer or PE at school, and no camping trip to Great Basin–at least not right away. Poor kid’s been feeling yucky for a long time and now we know why. As parents, we’re feeling mighty guilty about nagging her to do her chores, go to school, do homework, etc. Now we’re treating her with tenderness and forgiveness, which we should have done all along. Shouldn’t everyone deserve this kind of treatment all the time? Yet it’s so easy to place blame…”Maggie just doesn’t want to go to TaeKwonDo” and then treat her with something less than respect. I know I’ve done this to S as well. Somehow having a diagnosis or reason for a person’s behavior makes it easier to treat her with kindness. For instance, if we learn that someone comes from an abusive home, we can forgive–or at least understand and perhaps sympathize with–her bad behavior at school. But why can’t we find this love, respect, and understanding *before* we know the reason? Why can’t we assume the best of people all the time? I know I tend to become doubtful, even suspicious, of people’s motives when they don’t do what I think they’re supposed to do. What this tells me is that I don’t trust people, not really. Hm. Lots to ponder today.

Awoke to a rainy morning. And as I left the gym after yoga, I spotted some cedar waxwings in one of the blooming trees near the tennis courts. They’re such cool birds.

I got interrupted while writing this post by a phone call from Maggie’s doctor…she has mononucleosis, poor kid. It explains a lot: general lack of enthusiasm, fatigue, sore throat, headache.